holy shit cows are huge

And apparently very cuddly

I can verify cows are both and they lick like giant slobbery cats. 

I grew up on a farm, my first pet was a cow. 

She was called Princess, and she was so excited to see me, she would follow me around, she waited by the fence for me to come home from school.

They can be incredibly affectionate and they’re smarter than people think.

So I’ve been on a bit of a personal journey of late and by ‘late’ I mean the last year or so.  Not sure where I’ll start this but most people say just keep writing and the real thoughts will come.  I guess this whole thing started when I got a job back with the organization that introduced me to Feminism and the issues surrounding Sexual Violence.  My first time around was simply through summer classes (I was in film school at the time) and it was a fairly eye opening experience.  This time around I came back to the organization as a almost-ready-to-identify feminist and it only took about 1-2 months of being back in the work before I realized that I could not identify as a feminist any more.

Feminism freed me from harmful aspects of masculinity and opened an entire world of information, stories, and people that my male privilege had blinded me to.  So there was step one.

Step two was a bit of an extension of film school.  While there we didn’t have money or opportunity to hire actors for our projects so we all just ended up acting in each other’s stuff and I found myself enjoying the acting bit more than the flimmaking bit.  So after school was done I began taking acting classes when I could afford it and it fit in my schedule and really found something special.  I’m no professional, by any stretch of the imagination, but I love the process of learning a character and their story; bringing them to life, even the little that I’ve done, has been an amazing experience.  Then I took a Meisner class.  This is the climax of point two.  My acting teacher is a special kind of teacher, she had a scary ability to see emotions and impulses and helped me begin to identify those impulses within me.  I definitely was able to track progress over the course of the class and I’ll definitely be seeking her help in the future.

What she noticed and helped me figure out was that there are some very solid emotional barriers I have going on and they’re holding back a lot more than a very flimsy chance at an acting career.

Point 3.  I went on a retreat with my colleagues and part of this retreat was a guided meditation.  Historically I haven’t been able to get much out of meditation, I blame my ADD for this, but since this was all about visualization (I’m very much a visual sort of dude) I made some progress with this.  Those barriers that my acting teacher identified? Well they are definitely centered around my adolescence.  So it’s good to know where to look if I want to start breaking down these barriers and getting to a point where I’m more in tune with who I really am.

Point 4.  Today, during my morning browsing of tumblr, I came across a gif/pic set of Kristin Stewart that a fan had made.  In it was a quote that covered the concept of “being okay with not being okay” and then, during my self-help (yes, I’m taking self-help stuff; shit seems to be working so what’evs) online class stuff, I found a video by Akilah S. Richards where she talks about “writing what we think” as opposed to thinking what to write.  So that’s what I’m doing.

I’m not okay.

I hate myself.

Technically, I have a “significant amount of negative self-talk” going on and based on what I’ve learned so far, a lot of it stems from some stuff growing up as a little dude and some shitty adolescent stuff.  But, what I’m learning, gradually, is that it’s okay that I’m not okay and it’s okay that I have negative self-talk going on.  This is good because I didn’t realize this kind of thing was going on for me before and now I do.

This is what I’m thinking about.  This is what I’m dealing with.  And thanks to Akilah, ya’ll might see more of this stuff over the next little while (maybe forever!!!! hoo-ray!!!).  Opening this door has been a little weird and a little scary (it got to ‘overwhelming’ just yesterday in-fact ;P) but I do feel a little closer to where I want to be…wherever the hell that is.